She may be scared of anger but She certainly never hesitates to ride his coattails. It never fails to stun me. The way I can be angry about something completely unrelated and suddenly there She is, right on his heals. I’m mad about getting played by some silly boy one minute and the next minute I’m crying as I’m driving alone (always in a mode of transportation, you notice?) because it seems like no one’s ever going to match up to the very high standards you created for me. You loved me in a way I’d never been loved, made me believe such a thing was possible, and then disappeared. Now everyone else is a disappointment. I fail at admitting I may have to find something different. Settle for something and someone other than you. Three years and you still haunt me. Stalking me the way Grief stalks Anger. Ready to pounce. I never see you coming. I’m always surprised by your ghost.
I don’t know if the gardening is connected to the grief.
I just needed to create life. To put down roots. To do something lasting but unconditional. No contracts. No long term plan. Something for its own sake.
I may never see the roses I planted bloom. I may be long gone. But everything I do, especially here, is so calculated. Plans and back up plans. I’m never spontaneous. I’m always over-thinking.
I don’t have a green thumb. I don’t know anything about roses. I just wanted to come home to bright colors. I just wanted to dig in the earth and see if it feels as good as they say it does.
That boy woke something in me. Some part of me from 10 years back. But I’m not that girl anymore even though I missed her and it was fun to think I could be her again. But not alone. He woke her but didn’t stay around and so she’s curling right back up. I’m not going to play guitar in coffee houses if no one’s coming to listen. I can only be this me when I’m alone. I can only be that me when I know what I’m hoping for has a chance. But I don’t want to lose her completely. I don’t want to just crawl back into bed and wait some more. No more waiting. I want to live. I just have to figure out what it looks like.
Today it was gardening. Gardening and walking. This summer I’m going to walk and run and plant more flowers and get a bike and get out on the water. Without the boy. Me for my own sake. Not because I’m broken but because I’m trying to be whole.
Grief is not invited to my summer plans although I’m sure she’ll show up now and then. Today she left me alone to dig and walk and enjoy the sunshine. I don’t know if I was planting the roses because of her. I just really like roses. Even though I’ll probably never see these ones. They’re my gift to whomever comes next. Unconditional. Just because everyone loves roses and because I wanted to do something just because.